JULY 27, 2000 12:38a // i burn, i pine, i perish

I will have you know that the above picture is #3 on my list of all-time favorite postcards/ pictures. I think. The one from Marcia Resnick's Re-Visions would be first, and Howard Pyle's The Mermaid would be second. So, now that we've established that.

I worked my first 8-hour shift at Loew's today. Vaguely fulfilling, if only in the way that I discovered maybe I've grown up a bit, or at least developed the muscle that allows me to tune out of my life and push forward into work mode. I am actually working. Not leaning against the counter, counting seconds, achieving "Worst Employee Ever" status. And there was something enjoyable about all of it today, despite the fact that 9:30 couldn't have come soon enough. I love movie theatres, I do, and it was the weirdest thrill, checking theatres for the first time today (I'm movin' up, outta concessions, into the theatres, ha ha), with my red flashlight, verifying temps and such. Also: I entered the land of the dually employed yesterday. Trader Joe's is paying me $8.50/hr for near full-time work. I only have to endure Loew's twice weekly. There is a god. Some kind of god. A benevolent one, at least. Now and again. I will: wear jeans and a T-shirt everyday. No Birk sandals, but Birk clogs are accepted. I get my own box-cutter with a snazzy leather sheath. Luna bars for under a dollar. The woman, Sam, who interviewed me laughed like a weasal. But she was nice and the other managers were friendly. Good handshakes. Why do I feel like a huge, boring grown-up right now? Two jobs, about to start college, not a second to myself these days. It's sort of pleasant. I'm exhausted right now, but it's...pleasant.

I am trying to work up the nerve to call a rabbi. Karen says rabbis aren't as scary as temp agency officials and I'm sure she's right, but I'm scared all the same. (Heh.) I am terrible at making my intentions and my reasons known to other people. Proving my dedication. The more it means to me, the more nervous I am. Look at my love life, for heaven's sake. (That is an example that makes sense to me, if not to you. But maybe it does make sense.) And wouldn't my Catholic/ Baptist family love that? "Callie is becoming what...? A Jew? A JEW? Well. Um. Well. They don't worship Jesus do they, the Jews? Um. Ok. I'll pray for her." I don't know what it is. I feel it very strongly though. A need for faith and a need for roots, but on my own terms and something I can actually believe in. I never felt that way going to Church and most Eastern religions are too mythical and story-like for me to completely grasp, other than for aesthetic purposes, or just something to extract...inspiration from. If I make any sense at all. I feel a connection here where I haven't before. (But it's scary. And that's all.)

I am eating bad chicken noodle soup. But it is low-fat, so what can you do. The neighborhood QFC is out of Nutz Over Chocolate, and Trader Joe's only stays open until 9, so I have been subsisting on Chocolate Pecan Pie Lunas for the past two days. Maybe three. I can't remember that far back. Tomorrow we're going to the ocean for the day. Family reunion. I try to block that part out. I'm going to take my Shakespeare's Four Comedies, my cigarettes, and my flip-flops and go all the way down to the "No Vehicles Beyond This Point" sign and keep to myself. Maybe I'll take a walk with Mom and drag my cousin to Ocean Shores with me. Other than that, I will be anti-social, "No, I don't want to talk about Interlochen/ my fascinating accomplishments/ how excited I am about college anymore" girl. Sound good? Yes.

I am William Shakespeare's bitch. I want to play Katharina one day, but I'm sure I'm only good enough to be Bianca. At least, not tempestuous and wonderful enough to play Kate. Such is life.